Me, Jeff and the G.F.A.P .

The giant AllenPlane was a project I started in '95. I wanted a Fast ship that flew like Jeff Rein's 48" l/2A, so I measured, weighed and approximated the engine power. I calculated some nice wing loading and pretty good power to weight numbers that produce the performance of Jeff's "bottle rockets". I came up with a pretty large wing to even get close to the numbers off his 1/2 A.

I sent the coordinates to Greg Carter who was at the time producing the Allenplane and asked him to cut out a core with the same airfoil. "Are you nuts!" he said. ..."no" I said ..."just curious". So he made one for me and it flew pretty well. I made a few changes and built seven more. They all flew great and have a full half turn more than anything else for that low level 180 if you Really want it don’t stall and take all of the Nelson’s power.

(Box O Plenty)

Okay so I have these things I call the Giant AllenPlane, it's 61" span and 750 sq inches,... it is just too big! In spite of the nice flying I learned that they are not practical….They knocks stuff off the shelves and hits overhead lights, won't fit in the car and I have run into countless things with them….. I nearly destroyed a hotel room in Roseburg Oregon with one.

But they did fly well and I wanted to take the Giant AllenPlane to Tucson for Top Gun.

After a little math I determined that the box for them might pose a problem for UPS, Jeff kept telling me about the "Chain" that UPS uses and how this will never work, “it’s too big” he said.

I got clever and called the 1800 UPS and simply told them the dimensions of the box I wanted to build, "can I ship this thing'? "Oh yes" says she….. "isn't it too big, "says I, “yes but that's easy" she said "just pay the overage."

"Overage, What's that?"….. "You mean that I can just pay more and you’ll do this?” "yes sir" she said. "Good enough.!” I hollered, “I'll do it!” So I built the box...a fine box….a big box... a donkey of a box! made it of poplar and pine…..even stained and varnished it……it was a worthy box… “things are workin now” I said

(Getting There Is Half The Fun)

I left work early and went by UPS to drop off the box. I had a full week to get it there so “this should be a cinch” I thought ….. then I saw the line coming out of the UPS door…… I waited in line for an hour and was filling out the little papers when a clerk spotted me.

" Sir"…… "Sir"…. "that box is too big and you can’t bring it in here”. "No problem" I said smiling, "I'll just pay the "overage."….. "Overage!….. What's that" She said.

Swallowing hard I explained about the phone call, the nice lady on the phone and how "overage" would solve everything …… Out comes the chain... "see... it wont go round" she said, you can't bring that thing in here, and I don't know nothing about no overage!. ...

Pissed? Yeah I was pissed. So as I’m dragging the coffin sized box out of the door, a guy say's "go to Alaska Air, they ship anything for 35 cents a pound. "

I was already late for an appointment but I had to do this. Off to the Airport I go, I got to Alaska Air as the Work- Shift was changing and no one wanted to help.

(This should have been my first clue.)

After insisting that the box be labeled and processed I was charged by volume and not by weight, roughly equivalent to 600 lb. using the .35 per pound rate…… At this point it just didn't matter I was desperate and they said they’d do it. I was sending the box to Jeff Hanauer's and they even said they would deliver it to his house………. “it just doesn’t get better than that” I thought to myself.

All was right in my little world as I left the airport, but the next week I got a call from Jeff Rein. "My stuff showed up at Hanaures, but yours didn't"…… It was Tuesday night., and we were leaving Thursday morning! I called Alaska Air, gave them all of the numbers from the receipt and they said. "its at the Terminal, call this number." I called the number and talked to Clem. "No man, we got no boxes...man" "look again I said, Seattle shows them as there", (Long pause) "Okay man, I found it", " them! don't you mean them" I said? "there's two, a big one and a little one" "no man, just this little box ….man"

My hope sank, they had found the tools and gear, but lost the airplanes. I spent the next 2 days calling everyone in the Alaska Freight chain trying to figure out where it went. "it looks a coffin" I said. "Where could it be"?

"Oh.. sir (she said with a smirk)... it could be anywhere in our system" "Can you contact all branches and ask" ? I said. "Ya know ..like e-mail". "Oh, I'm sorry sir we don't have e~mail" " Faxes! send faxes" I said.

"no…… we can't do that either, but we can send a telex to the branches and if they read it they might respond"

I was sinking lower and lower with every word. I was going to leave in the morning ...FOR WHAT?

I CALLED Jeff and said we were going to carry on some airplanes……”sorta like handbags ya know?”……

So Jeff and I carried 6 Tomas pre-built's with us as carry on luggage, I at least had something to fly.

I called during the flight to see if the missing box had been located with the same dismal results.

We arrived at Tucson and I went to the rent-a-car lady. "I'd like a minivan" I said. "so would I" she replied and gave me that look. ……."No mini's huh"…. "nope!” We have two cars which one do you want"? "Two cars"! I said "This is Tucson! where are the cars???

She took offense to this and related every Professional sporting event in town, and then repeated "which one do you want?…….. I think we got the 4 door Neon.

We drove to Phoenix to pick up my tool box that Alaska Air was able to find.

When I identified myself at their warehouse they looked at each other and said "oh its him."

We searched the stupid warehouse and found no box, by now I was sure it had gone missing , but I gave it one last shot, "do you have a lost and found" I said, "Yes, but that's for luggage and stuff" , your box is not luggage……man "….. "did the box fly in with luggage and stuff" I asked, "yes, but it's not supposed to be there …man.",

"well it's NOT where its supposed to be ….because its supposed to be here" ! !

I was starting to slip over the edge, and the Rocket Scientist wasn't helping.I felt Jeff tugging on my arm. Remembering that if harnessed for good….this idiot might be able to help me and I calmed down.

"Humor me" I said, faining a smile…….. "just call them, they can't miss it, it looks like a coffm. "

The Guy pulls out papers and phone books and after a few minuets calls the lost and found.

"hey man, do you have like a coffin there?". "okay thanks...man"… “yeah they got it, it showed up last night." I wondered where it had been for the last several days but was afraid to ask.

Excited and relieved we ran for the car, made several wrong turns and got lost……Jeff went into some terminal to get directions while I waited in a Taxi Zone. .. ..by the way, if you are in Phoenix…..don’t park in the taxi stands! …….I barely escaped with my life.

Jeff had run into Max Boyd and Jeff Hanauer they were having a nice chat while outside I was fighting with four Eastern Indian Taxi drivers and a cop. Stalling for time,I was pretending to be lost and asking directions….. I got the directions but I think it was at gun point with the taxi drivers all encouraging me to go there….. "NOW"!!

We made it to the lost and found, I picked up the box and stumbled outside with it. The box seemed bigger now and was about the same size as the car. it was then that Jeff came up GFAP. "Giant fucking Allen Plane!"and glared at me.

We opened up all 4 doors of the Neon, put the seats down……. lifted the trunk, broke some trim off the car and dented the dash padding. "I think we can do this" I said, smiling……. The Rane Man just stared and shook his head. We did get it in, but there was no room for a passenger and Jeff was contorted like some sort of Circus freak in the back seat "if the cops don't see us we might just make it to Hanauer's house" I said Jeff, said it again "Giant F...ing AllenPlanes "

I tell you it was really something, us packed in there like that…. but we prevailed and now believed that anything was indeed possible, why if we could do this…..we could do ANYTHING!

By the time we got to Jeff Hanauers we were pretty tired and it was getting late. I pried Jeff out of the back seat, we unloaded the Box at Jeff Hanauer’s house and B-S'd for awhile.

Steve’s House

Jeff had made arrangements to borrow Steve Stewart's house, I had been so preoccupied that I didn't pay much attention to our arrangements and it now occurred to me that we had to. drive 120 miles each way to the contest! But the loan of a house was a wonderful gesture and we could deal with the drive.

Jeff Hanauer gave us a curious look and asked if we had been to Steve's house lately. We said no and there was an ackward pause, the Guys gave us directions and we left.

On the way to Steve’s house we marveled at the Million dollar art project placed along the Freeway…… It looked like gigantic broken dishes, Jeff H assured us that this was indeed what it was and should not be confused with anything else….like art.

"Does Steve have room for us"? I asked, "oh didn't I tell you, He isn't living there now"... "so what does that mean"? I said. "Idunno , but I'm sure it's okay”……

We arrived at 10:30 straining our eyes to see the street signs, the place was completely dark and was beginning to look like a scene from Cops. "Is this it" I said, “yeah I think so” he said , “go try the key.”…….. “Good news” he shouted back --- “the key worked” "I can't see" ….and he went in

.( CRASH!!)……. (OWW!! ) "you okay"I asked"? “Yeah, but there's a lot of stuff in here” “find the light I said”….. "shut up" he yells,…. (more crashing sounds)

I went into the darkness and one of us pulled a chain on an overhead light fixture, immediately one of those large fan blades began spinning close over our heads. "hey watch out for the fan”, Jeff had made it to the kitchen and turned on a wall switch…….. In the dim light we could make out an incredible amount of boxes and stuff everywhere. Suitcases,books, old vynal records and speakers…..a fish tank.

Steve was using the house to store an entire other household worth of stuff there making it kinda snug.

We unloaded our equipment and brought it into the workshop then decided to get some sleep. There was only one bed so we shared it. The bed was one of the old style waterbeds with the thick carved wood and many gallon mattresses, being so tired we didn't think to check for the heater.

(if you aren't using it you turn it off, right?)

We were asleep in nothing flat the day had won and we were beat. By around 1:30 am the unheated waterbed had taken almost all of our collective body heat like a giant ice cube, I woke up to Jeff saying "I'm freezing" Yeah, me too, I said. "The heater must be off" , and sure enough Jeff produces the un-plugged chord. "Great...plug it in" I said, we were both pretty tired and not really with it, so Jeff stands up on the waterbed looking for an outlet (for those of you who have never tried this well…. it can't be done). At once he began dancing around on the now heaving waterbed trying not to loose his balance and fall off, all the while holding the plug in this hand and shouting. After what seemed like hours on a boat, he got the heater plugged in. We put on more clothes and tried to get some sleep.

5:30 am

I woke up to the sound of a ringing phone, it was Jeff Hanauer giving us a wake-up call "UHHH!” “yeah, thanks Jeff"…. “I think I’m going to be sick”……always one to have his glass half full, Rane Man say's, “I'll take a hot shower and be….. well uh ….better anyway" he disappears into the bathroom and I drift off to sleep.

A few minuets later I hear this high pitched hollering coming from the bathroom, yes ...it was Jeff. Out he runs covered in tiny red blotches. "all I want is a good nights sleep and a hot shower! Is that too much to ask?" he shrieks!

"What is it now" I said, coming too. "the shower "he yells "it's a giant waterpick!!..and its not hot either” "Quit whining" I said, "YOU try it" he snorts.

On the one hand you have Steve Stewart who is a very healthy person and treats his body well ……works out n stuff. We on the other hand have not come to the same realization and are soft and flabby. I make this point because the shower in some way must be tied to one of those Finland things such as a Sauna, hitting yourself with sticks and jumping into the snow.

I got into the shower and turned it on….. out rushed a fme mist of cold water at about Mach I. This was some sort of hopped up water saver shower head. It was kinda like the fIrst time I went skydiving, I couldn't breathe. The sensation was like being sandblasted with water…….. I got dressed with the same red blotches as Jeff, we loaded the damaged car and left for the first day of practice for Top Gun.

( The Shower…… Round Two)

Returning that evening and tried the shower again, and once again there came a high pitched scream from the bathroom, this time Jeff returned with what looked like a piece of fuel line about 2 inches long. "you broke it" he says. "Whaddya mean" I replied, "look…. Parts!" he says "and produced the neoprene tube, " now its a water-knife". Sure enough, some ... kind of part had spit itself out at Jeff and what once was merely a swarm of high speed Bee's was now a lethal 1/8" stream of water. "Lets take it apart!" I said. We did and found it was a clever .device….. obviously designed for some type of torture. we reassembled it but left the shower head off until the contest was over.

Other stuff? ...Yeah there was other stuff, like they sold our airline seats to two other guys in Vegas while we were off playing the slots….. a woman became hysterical listening to me and Jeff on the flight back to Seattle…..we didn’t win top Gun and the rest I have blocked from my memory .

All and all we both agreed that this was the best time we've had at any contest anywhere, any time.

Thanks Steve for your hospitality and Jeff Hanauer for all of your help! Oh, by the way, we sent the "coffm" back to Seattle via .UPS……..they charged me the overage!

Ken Burdick..:.